Marketing Pilgrim

With all of the iPhone mania raising antennae all around the tech journalism world it’s almost so deafening that one is tempted to try to duct tape the press. Wait, that wouldn’t be right because Consumer Reports has made duct tape cool and journalists are not cool (but bloggers are, right?).

Anyway, we wanted to help you with all the rumors that are flying around regarding the iPhone 4, Apple and this whole international incident of intrique. Here we go.

• Duct tape sales in the US are soaring

• Apple has taken so much abuse because they haven’t come out and officially said anything that they now must come out and officially say something this Friday

• Apple is busy breeding extremely small hamsters that will power antennae boosters added to the phones. These hamsters will be available as quickly as science and cloning will allow, so hold tight.

• A Microsoft executive has said publicly “iPhone 4 might be their [Apple's] Vista. And I’m OK with that.”

• Dropped FaceTime ‘calls’ have caused the divorce rate to skyrocket as high tech husbands and wives alike think that their spouse hung up in their face. People have forgotten that it’s poor wifi connections that have actually caused these troubles but they don’t seem to care. At least four divorce claims have cited ‘irreconcilable iPhone issues’ as the cause of the action.

• As of July 14, Apple stock has taken a 7 % dip since ‘iPhone 4 Gate’ hit the airwaves.

• Apple fanboys storm Consumer Reports headquarters and develop nasty apps that distort the shape of the Consumer Reports logo. All three protesters were picked up by their parents and returned home.

• Mysterious memos about support techniques have been reported but then not mentioned since they were ‘leaked’ by a ‘dependable’ source to an industry ‘insider’.

Of course, only a few of these rumors have truly come to light. We hear that Steve Jobs is walking around his house creating a mad scientist laugh as his master plan to steal Google’s quarterly report thunder is working like a charm but this is both completely unsubstantiated and a little creepy.

So what other rumors have you heard? We need to know! Leave them in the comments so we can be part of the in-crowd as well. Please! Inquiring minds want to know and we really don’t care if the rumors have a shred of truth in them! No one else seems to care at this point either so why should we!?